A Lifelong Journey

My relationship with Judaism has changed- but it's always been about connection

This essay is part of a new collection of work inspired by the anthology On Being Jewish Now: Reflections of Authors and Advocates. Want to contribute? Instructions here. Subscribe here.

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pipe cleaner

I stared at the bright red pipe cleaner. I had been tasked, as part of a professional development weekend, with using this fuzzy piece of wire to depict my relationship with Judaism over time. Around me at the picnic table were my fellow youth group advisors, ranging in age from 20s to 50s. I was in my early 30s, and I was more active in Jewish life than I had been in years. It was a high point on my pipe cleaner. That much was clear—but how would I represent the years before?

My pipe cleaner started out flat, dipped down for a bit, then rose up and plateaued. The initial flatline represented my youth—Sunday school, Jewish sleepover camp, my bat mitzvah at a Conservative synagogue. And then I bent the pipe cleaner down. In high school, I would light candles and have Shabbat dinner with my parents before hurrying off to football. I attended a Lutheran liberal arts college, and while I observed the major holidays as best I could, I don’t recall having Jewish friends or feeling particularly connected. That pattern persisted for most of my 20s—with the exception of a Jewish singles’ weekend I attended to placate my mom. But that was a blip I couldn’t fit on the pipe cleaner.

After that, though, I bent the pipe cleaner up. Shortly after moving to the Monterey Peninsula a few years earlier, I attended the Jewish Food Festival at the nearby Reform temple in Carmel. Within a year, I was tapped to teach Sunday school, which I had never imagined. I enjoyed it, but when I was asked to advise the high school youth group, I knew I had found a better fit. The pipe cleaner was at a plateau again—a good one. 

That was 15 years ago. I’ve been thinking about my pipe cleaner lately, wondering how I would represent the time since. For a while, I continued at that same plateau— then went up when I married a Modern Orthodox man. I started to take on new behaviors—observing Shabbat weekly (even setting my phone aside) and eating kosher-style. I had more Jewish friends than ever. We sent our son to a Torah day school, and his knowledge quickly seemed to surpass mine. When I got divorced, I retained some of my new habits, and let others drift away. 

Now, as I think back on my life as a Jew, I realize that my connection isn’t about observance or about my Jewish friends. I could mistakenly tie it to the daily news reports, bending the pipe cleaner up and down, up and down on a daily basis. But that doesn’t represent my connection either.

The pipe cleaner today would be at the highest plateau of all. But the plateau doesn’t mean stagnation. It means steadfastness and dedication and pride in being Jewish. It means a regular connection to Jewish ritual and people. It means a continuous exploration of who I am as a Jew. I don’t think I could ask for more.

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Deborah Goldstein is a philanthropy advisor who specializes in guiding women in their giving and supporting families in bringing in the next generation of givers. In her spare time she’s working on a memoir about the meaningful moments of life.

Instagram: @mymeaningfulmoments

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This essay is part of a new collection of work inspired by the anthology On Being Jewish Now: Reflections of Authors and Advocates. Want to contribute? Instructions here. Subscribe here.